Miley Cyrus is writing her memoirs

Fresh off earning a reported $18 million last year, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus just inked a seven figure deal with Disney to write her memoirs . . . April fools! Wait, fuck, it’s the middle of April. Nevermind. Us Weekly says:

The book, to be published by Disney next spring, will center on Cyrus’ rise to fame and the guidance of her mother, Leticia. It will also include unseen family photos.”I hope to motivate mothers and daughters to build lifetimes of memories together and inspire kids around the world to live their dreams,” the Us Power Girl said in a statement, “I am so excited to let fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me.” (Source)

Please tell me this bitch isn’t real. Like, if I tore off her face, she’d have a titanium alloy skull, right? Kinda like a cuter version of the Terminator. Someone has to stop her — I’m thinking Steven Seagal — before it’s too late. I don’t want to ever hear the words “At 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th, 2011, Miley Cyrus became self aware.” We’d be so fucked.